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Three Things

Three Good Things for Today


  1. Job interview/work exercise thingie seemed to go well.

  2. Randomly grouped with a fun team in Overwatch; added many of them to "prefer this player" list.

  3. Thought I was watching the final episode of K-On!– turns out there are at least two more!


Three Goals for Tomorrow


  1. Dailyburn

  2. Collect more photos and art for (secret collab project)

  3. Get in some TwitterPonies time

  4. STRETCH GOAL: More job apps out


Gnite world. Have an awesome tomorrow.

-The Gneech

This entry was originally posted at http://the-gneech.dreamwidth.org/2647701.html. You may comment there or here.

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Someone Resembling Myself

The other day [personal profile] inkblitz posted a little thing about seasonal depression, which prompted a thought in my mind that I wanted to observe.

I've known Blitzy for something like five years now. We were thrown together by our online RP group but pretty much immediately clicked. And while the RP group is not the focus of either of our lives any more, the friendship has endured. By the standards of, say, high school or college friendships, we're practically blood brothers. But the thing is, we met as adults– in my case, as a middle-aged adult in particular. So for me, a period of five years, while nothing to sneeze at, still counts as being "recent developments."

When we met, I was still in the darkest parts of grief, and quite often depressed; during one of my conversations with Blitzy at the time, I said that having met me after my friends and family started dying left and right, so constantly mired in grief, in many ways he hadn't met "the real me."

But when did I stop being "the real me"? How long can an extended period of grief last before that is "normal"? My father died in 2011 after a long and stressful decline; Kerry died in 2013. I met Inkblitzer somewhere between those two events, and they've cast a long shadow ever since– as have the deaths of Sandy, FrostDemn, Buddha, my aunt Iris, and my mom, and the loss of our house and jobs of 15+ years, all in the same cluster. It's not like my grief was unwarranted. ¬.¬

But recently, something has shifted in me. I'm not sure exactly how, why, or when, although I did comment on it a little while back. I have started being myself again. I still miss everyone that I've lost, and it's not like I'm feeling peachy-keen about all the crap currently going on in the world, but there's an important internal difference.

I'm fine in the moment. I'm thinking about where I am and what I'm doing, instead of thinking about how much pain I'm in or what I've lost. The emotional wounds, as it were, seem to have scarred over. This manifests mostly in a better mood, a sunnier outlook, and a lighter, more playful approach to just about everything. I'm back to treating life like a party or an adventure, rather a slog that I have to just keep pushing through. When I think of "the real me," that's what I think of, the guy who wants to make everything more awesome, not the guy who is stubbornly refusing to give in and just sink to the bottom.

I mentioned to Blitzy that I was finally the real me again; he said, "I think I met the real you enough. At least at conventions. But yeah, I'm seeing more of convention you in general."

So I wonder. Maybe "the real me" isn't a fixed point, so much as an aggregation, and the me that was fighting through all that crap was "really" me too, me bearing the weight of what I was going through. But it still feels like being a different person.

-The Gneech

This entry was originally posted at http://the-gneech.dreamwidth.org/2647379.html. You may comment there or here.

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Three Things

Three Good Things for Today


  1. Walked around the lake at Rio with [personal profile] laurie_robey.

  2. Got to watch another K-On! ep. <3

  3. Art stream. :)

  4. BONUS GOOD THING! Another 2 lbs down. :)


(I was originally going to list "beautiful weather," but this one is a bit of a mixed bag because while yeah, it was beautiful, the only reason it was beautiful is because the ecosystem is hosed. February should be crap around here.)

Three Goals for Tomorrow


  1. Another art stream to finish page 14.

  2. DailyBurn.

  3. Write on [secret collab project].


Gnite world, and have an awesome tomorrow. <3

-The Gneech

This entry was originally posted at http://the-gneech.dreamwidth.org/2647150.html. You may comment there or here.

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Today: 293.9 lbs
down 25.6 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 25.1 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (135 weeks)
average lost: 0.19 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

All the peculiar little hollows where excess fat starts showing up are starting to empty out again– things like pudgy hands, swollen ankles, the sides of my stomach, etc. The insidious thing about it is, as my weight was creeping back up, I didn't notice when these things were filling in, and that amazes me. A lifetime of being overweight just sorta conditioned me to think of that as "normal" I guess?

Well, I've seen the difference now, and I ain't going back.

-The Gneech

This entry was originally posted at http://the-gneech.dreamwidth.org/2646989.html. You may comment there or here.

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Stuff and Sundry

In the spirit of keeping calm and carrying on, have a random check-in with the mundane things in life.

Job Hunt


In my quest to return to a more traditional job for a while, I have been sending out job applications right and left since sometime in December, and they have started to bear fruit. Two weeks ago I had a phone interview that seemed to go very well, and the interviewer said they would recommend me to the next rung up and that I should expect to hear shortly. This has not happened, causing the interviewer some confusion as the next person up said they were contacting me.

So, a bit of confusion there. Fortunately, they aren't the only fish in the sea! I had another interview yesterday with a different company who (should all things go well) would provide a very nice salary and benefits, as well as a relocation stipend, which would come in very handy. The interviewer for the second company says the hiring process typically takes 2-4 weeks, so that could be done by the end of February.

Fuwa Fuwa Time


I am nearing the end of the main series of K-On! and I love the hell out of this show. Besides the fact that it's funny as all get out, every time I finish an episode I want to round up all of my friends and just hug the heck out of them. It just perfectly captures that ephemeral feeling of realizing you have to live in the moment, because that's all you really have and it will quickly be gone.

It has also made me reflect on what a mess my own childhood was, how it could have gone differently, and how I could have reacted better to the circumstances I was in. Of course I was a child at the time, so I had no frame of reference to realize what a mess it was, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it, just do my best to learn from it.

Shoes By the Door


Speaking of things Japanese, [personal profile] laurie_robey and I have adopted the habit of taking off our shoes at the door and changing to slippers to wear around the house. The reasons are purely pragmatic– we keep squelching in the mud here and tracking it into the house and we don't want to have to keep cleaning the rug– but it does produce an interesting psychological shift as well, making home seem more "homey." I wasn't expecting that.

We're still getting used to it– for the first few weeks particularly I kept putting on my shoes to go out and then realizing I'd left all the lights on and had to go tromping on the rug to turn them off, defeating the purpose. -.- But, as I needed new shoes anyway, I picked up some comfy Sketchers loafers that are easy to slip on and off, making the change of shoes a much quicker and easier process than it was before. So far I'm liking it.

No Mercy


That's it for now. Have an Overwatch fan vid.


-The Gneech

This entry was originally posted at http://the-gneech.dreamwidth.org/2646755.html. You may comment there or here.

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