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Fictionlet

"Mary Lou Retton," Greg said.

"What?" said Brigid.

"Mary Lou Retton," Greg said.

"What (she said, feeling that she'd probably rather not know) about Mary Lou Retton?" Brigid asked.

"Hmm?"

"What about her?"

"Oh!" said Greg. "Nothing really. I just like the sound of her name. It's an aesthetically-pleasing phrase. 'Maaaary Lou Retton'! Bum-ba-bum, BUM-BUM! You could render it in iambic pentameter."

"Shut the hell up, you bloody looney," Brigid said.

"Well excuse the heck out of me," Greg said.

"No, no," said Brigid, "I wasn't saying that to you. It's just an aesthetically-pleasing phrase."

-The Gneech

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EDIT: Clarified a line a bit (I hope) per comments.

Comments

( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
huskyteer
Jun. 7th, 2007 01:22 pm (UTC)
I need to remember that one!
athelind
Jun. 7th, 2007 01:25 pm (UTC)
Alas, Brigid's aesthetically-pleasing phrase is only nine syllables.
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)
She never claimed to be a poet!

-The Gneech
laurie_robey
Jun. 7th, 2007 01:26 pm (UTC)

"But, I can do it in iambic!"
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:00 pm (UTC)
What's with the randomly floating quotes? o.0

-TG
laurie_robey
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:04 pm (UTC)
I put the LJ quote brackets around it not realizing that it was going to add the quotation marks.
wbwolf
Jun. 7th, 2007 01:41 pm (UTC)
[teacher mode]Very well, yes... but you forgot the interior quotes on Brigid's second line.[/teacher mode]

the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 01:52 pm (UTC)
I assume you mean something like:

"'What,' she said, feeling that she'd rather not know, 'about Mary Lou Retton?'" Brigid asked.

I thought about that. I also thought of:

"What (she said, feeling that she'd rather not know) about Mary Lou Retton?" Brigid asked.

But honestly I didn't like the look of either one.

-The Gneech
wbwolf
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
I had trouble parsing the phrase as is... the only way I could make sense of it was:

"What", she said, feeling that she'd rather not know, "about Mary Lou Retton?"

The "Brigid asked" at the end becomes redundant, I suppose. Maybe change the "said" into "asked". Otherwise, I'm not really sure what sort of mood you're getting at with the line.
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:29 pm (UTC)
You see it in British comedies a lot, a person narrating their own speech. Brigid is literally saying all of:

What, she said, feeling that she'd rather not know, about Mary Lou Retton?

It generally carries with it a connotation of annoyance or skepticism.

-The Gneech
kylet
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:31 pm (UTC)
That was my favorite part, actually XD
maxgoof
Jun. 7th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
It reminded me of:

" 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer, 'No.' "
the_mcp
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes, the Cheese Shop sketch. :)
kinkyturtle
Jun. 8th, 2007 09:24 am (UTC)
I'll have a look.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
maxgoof
Jun. 8th, 2007 10:49 am (UTC)
It isn't much of a cheese shop, is it?
kinkyturtle
Jun. 8th, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC)
Finest in the district, squire.
maxgoof
Jun. 9th, 2007 12:45 am (UTC)
Explain the logic of that conclusion, please.
kinkyturtle
Jun. 9th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
Well, it's so clean!
maxgoof
Jun. 9th, 2007 05:25 am (UTC)
It's certainly well decontaminated of cheese!
wbwolf
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
Okay, that makes more sense. The shift to third person confused me.
packbat
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
How about
"What – she said, feeling that she'd rather not know – about Mary Lou Retton?" Brigid asked.
hallan
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:22 pm (UTC)
Mary Lou Retton was my favorite athlete for a -long- time.

Hallan
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 02:45 pm (UTC)
She is an adorable little hobbit, I won't deny it! :D

-The Gneech
ccroft
Jun. 7th, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC)
Ahhh G. You were meant to have been a comdedy writer for the BBC, surely :-)
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 03:28 pm (UTC)
Well thank you. :) That's one of many dream jobs I'm not likely to get soon. :)

-TG
maxgoof
Jun. 7th, 2007 05:43 pm (UTC)
This is one of the funniest fictionlets you've written.
the_gneech
Jun. 7th, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :)

-TG
torakiyoshi
Jun. 7th, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
Mary Lou Retton, who?

I like this one. It's a conversation I could see myself involved in. On both sides! (But not at the same time.)

Have the best

-=TK
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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