Turns out the Dell bot was right -- no LPT ports, no serial ports. Yikes. Time to go get a hub and some adapters!
So far the performance is fine, but that doesn't mean much as I haven't been doing anything but ripping out Norton and installing my own software. More bulletins on this subject as events warrant.
In other news, Halloween turnout has been disappointing to say the least. I know there are kids in the neighborhood, I've seen 'em! Why aren't they trick or treating? 0.o
Maybe we need flickering jack-o-lanterns out front. We just didn't have time for that this year, unfortunately.