For those who are curious, the new computer (GORT) has most of the software installed and running, and seems to be performing just-slightly-better (but not that much) than Tiffany does. The only real problem is that I can't hook up the printer (D'Oh!) or the Wacom tablet (D'OH!!!) due to the egregious lack of ports. So unless I can find some way to hit Best Buy at lunch time, I'll have to stop at Micro Center on the way home and grab a 9-pin Serial to USB adapter, a LPT to USB adapter, and a USB hub.
In case you're wondering why I called it GORT, first is that it has a rounded silver-and-white casing (black and beige machines are both out of fashion this year, it seems). Second, the front ports are hidden by a sliding panel that looks like it should have a laser beam behind it.
working