John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey
the_gneech

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A Surreal End to My Day

Well, it was snowing all afternoon, which already makes things a little weird around here. Fortunately, it wasn't "OMG everybody get out and block all the ROADDSSS!!!11" snow, just white stuff blowing around in the air.

So laurie_robey and I left work at 4:00 and took me over to the Reston MRI Center, where I took off my trousers and put on a gown with weird little blue gears on it [1], and totally didn't fit into the MRI machine.

Well, part of me fit into it -- my head and neck. Once they hit my shoulders, it was "No way, José!" So they put me into the queue for the machine they put claustrophobics into. Roughly ten minutes later, I was on my back and fed feet-first into a giant yellow waffle iron, wearing not-particularly-noise-canceling headphones that were playing some "All commercials, all the time!" radio station.

The technician asked me what kind of music I wanted to hear, so I said "classical." At which point the commercials changed to romantic ballads in Spanish.

Um.

The next 13-18 minutes consisted of me doing my best to hold absolutely still, staying as relaxed as I could without letting my limbs flop around, listening to "Unchained Melody" sung in Español while somebody outside jackhammered on the building foundation they ran current through a little rack mounted over my lower abdomen and took scans of the magnetic field.

The worst part of the experience was the inevitable itchy nose you always get when you're not allowed to move. The second-worst part of the experience was the one song that was sung in English, a revolting piece of mush about "Mother, please forgive the times I made you cry, I hope you'd be proud if you could see me now, I miss you so much..." internet platitude variety. I was a little worried that I might hurl on the spot, spoiling not only my scan but the bits of my shirt not covered by the gown. Fortunately, it had been five hours since lunch and there wasn't much real danger of that.

Mainly, I spent the whole time either doing my best to meditate (not easy with BDDDDAAATTDTDAAAATTTT!!! and "Te quieroooooooooo!!!" shaking my teeth), or pondering the surreality of the situation. And wishing I had a blanket over my feet.

Anyway, my doc should have the results by Friday, and I have the intravenous ultrasound next week. So we'll see what we can see.

-The Gneech

[1] Interesting study in generic applicability: they were little blue gears, so they could seem masculine, but they were also small and from a distance looked like flowers, so they could seem feminine. The science of "offending nobody" really has jumped light-years in the past decade, hasn't it?
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