It selects the random wrong thing when you click on anything! You tell it to apply a fill color and it makes the object not only transparent but moves it three layers down! You drag a handle on a single curve and it resizes and distorts four objects that are totally unrelated to anything you're doing and might not even be in the same damn file!
YOU SUCK, ADOBE ILLUSTRATOR!!! ARRGGGHHH!!!
*pant, pant, pant*
Okay, now I got that out of my system at least. Geeze. But at least I've got the beginnings of a system down. Now from here hopefully it's all practice.