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Have I Mentioned I Love the British?

(forest, night; whippoorwills and crickets)

WITCH: Darksome night and shining moon; east, then south, then west, then north. Hearken to the witches' rune: here we come to—

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: The Totley-In-the-Wold Women's Institute, I presume?

(dramatic sting)

WITCH: *gasp*

PROFESSOR DUNNING (distant): Lionheart?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Professor! Game's up, I'm afraid.

PROFESSOR DUNNING: Oh! Praise the Lord!

WITCH: By the Key of Solomon! Who the devil are you?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Lionheart. Military intelligence. Here.

WITCH: What does that say? MIB?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: MI13.

OTHER WITCH: MI-who?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: 13.

WITCH: 13?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: (Sigh.) MI1, they're the codebreakers. MI2, that's Scandinavian Intelligence. MI3's eastern Europe. MI4 is, erm...

PROFESSOR DUNNING: Aerial Reconnaissance!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Yes, thank you Dunning. MI5 is—

OTHER WITCH: Espionage!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: That's right.

WITCH: So what's MI13?

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Ah, well, we're new, you see. We investigate the out-of-the-ordinary, the unexplained, the...

PROFESSOR DUNNING: Downright weird!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Quite.

WITCH: It's not what it looks like, Mister Lionheart.

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: No? Well I have your newsletter here. "February the second, midnight 'til 2:00 a.m., human sacrifice in St. Ethelred's woods, bring sandwiches and warm clothing."

WITCH: I told you not to mention the sacrifice!

OTHER WITCH: Oh dear, sorry Doreen.

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Now then, ladies, I really must insist you untie Professor Dunning.

WITCH: Ha! I'm afraid you've bitten off more than you can chew this time, Mister Lionheart!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Oh yes?

WITCH: We are witches! Tonight we celebrate the ritual of Imbolc, and we will be one with Satan! And neither you nor anybody else can stop us!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: And why not?

WITCH: Because we can FLY! Hahaaahahahahahaa!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: No you can't.

WITCH: I'm flying! Hahahahaha!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: No you're not. You're jumping up and down.

WITCH: Wheeeeeee!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: Oh for goodness' sake.

PROFESSOR DUNNING: Can someone untie me, please?

WITCH: Wheeeeeee!

INSPECTOR LIONHEART: I used to have a proper job.

-The Gneech

PS: The Scarifyers, starring Nicholas Courtney (a.k.a. Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart) and Terry Malloy (a.k.a. Davros). Terrific stuff.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
huskyteer
Jun. 24th, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
Wow, how have these passed me by!? I'm always up for some hot Nick Courtney action.
the_gneech
Jun. 24th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
He's in fine form, here. You'll love these!

-The Gneech
sarek_ca
Jun. 24th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
This sounds...
...(and reads) like a cross between a sketch "The Goon Show" and a sketch from "I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again".
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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