John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey

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Jedi Smackdown!

Compiling statblocks for NPCs in my next Star Wars session, I find that pound for pound, Kyle Katarn is actually much tougher than Luke Skywalker. But Luke is much more versatile.

Still, that just gives me a vision...

EMPEROR PALPATINE: Now, my young apprentice, you will witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!

KYLE KATARN: *blaster bolt between Palpy's eyes*


KYLE KATARN: Sorry, I just hate grandstanding.

In recognition of this, it's time for some Facts About Kyle Katarn:

  1. Kyle Katarn is so tough that the very thought of him wiped out all the Jedi and Sith on Ruusaan.

  2. Kyle has two ways of entering a room. One is to kick the door down and kill everything inside. The other is to let the room come to him. And it will.

  3. "Taral" is ancient Sith for "Will be whipped by Kyle Katarn."

  4. Kyle Katarn once visited the "Cloak of the Sith" region. It is now the "Cloak" region.

  5. Kyle Katarn's first lightsaber worked underwater. Not because Rahn built it that way, but because it was too damn scared not to.

  6. Ever wonder why Jason Court didn't make a return appearance? Because NOBODY plays Kyle Katarn.

  7. Kyle Katarn's beard has the death sentence in twelve systems.

  8. Kyle Katarn's beard is the death sentence in twelve systems!

  9. Obi-Wan grew his beard between Ep 1 and Ep 2 because he had a vision of Kyle Katarn.

  10. Alpha-Red was not a bacteria or virus capable of killing off the Vong and all of their biots ... it was the code word for the Jedi finally unleashing Kyle Katarn on the invaders!

  11. Cortosis disappeared because Kyle Katarn used it all to make a comb that didn't break when it touched his beard.

  12. Yoda used to have 3 stronger older brothers, but they mysteriously vanished after pissing off Kyle Katarn.

  13. Mace could have survived falling out the window, but unfortunately he landed on Kyle Katarn's beard.

  14. Kyle takes his caf without suger, cream or even hot water.

  15. Coruscant once honored Kyle Katarn by naming a street after him. It gets little foot traffic because NOBODY crosses Kyle Katarn.

  16. Han Solo drops his cargo at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. Imperial Cruisers drop their cargo at the first sign of Kyle Katarn.

  17. Many Bothans died to get the plans to the second Death Star, because they got in Kyle Katarn's way.

  18. When Kyle Katarn goes to Candy Mountain he doesn't lose a kidney.

  19. Passed out, surrounded by stormtroopers and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Kyle Katarn laughs to himself and says, "I have them right where I want them."

  20. Kyle Katarn's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, because NOBODY fools Kyle Katarn.

  21. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Kyle Katarn says it's bantha, then it's kriffing bantha.

  22. There are three leading causes of death among stormtroopers. The first two are Kyle Katarn, and the third one is heart attack from knowing Kyle Katarn is coming for them.

  23. If Kyle Katarn's blaster jams, it's because he was beating you to death with it.

  24. There's no use crying over spilt blue milk ... unless is was Kyle Katarn's.

  25. On a high school math test, Kyle Katarn put down "violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Kyle Katarn solves all his problems with violence.

  26. Kyle Katarn has the heart of a stormtrooper. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

  27. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Kyle Katarn spared your life.

  28. Kyle Katarn can slam a revolving door.

  29. Kyle Katarn doesn't listen to the will of the Force. The Force listens to the will of Kyle Katarn.

  30. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Kyle Katarn.

  31. Kyle Katarn doesn't have a Bryar pistol for protection. A Bryar pistol has Kyle Katarn for protection.

  32. Kyle Katarn and Chuck Norris once met in a FanFic cross-over. The author's computer spontaneously combusted the instant both characters said "Nice beard."

  33. Standard proceedure for wiping protocol droids memory banks is to ask them to calculate the odds of Kyle Katarn ever losing a fight.

  34. In the medical community, death is referred to as "Kyle Katarn Disease."

  35. Kyle Katarn was once in a lightsaber fight. The lightsaber lost.

  36. Kyle Katarn always has the high ground.

  37. Kyle Katarn once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

  38. Kyle Katarn knows the last digit of pi.

  39. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a blaster to a lightsaber fight. 2) Don't bring a lightsaber to a Kyle Katarn fight.

  40. Kyle Katarn sleeps eight hours a night. Well, actually, in that area he's pretty normal.

-The Gneech
Tags: gaming, star wars
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