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May 8th, 2002

I Contain Multitudes

I am a mighty confused critter; there's no way around it. I am simultaneously all these things...Collapse )

Of Course I Have to Go to Starbucks

Well, no phone call from the woman at Circle; phone call from Starbucks, tho. I get to go in from 7 - 10 tonight, instead of having my day off, off.

If I hadn't been expecting the woman at Circle to be calling, I wouldn't have answered the phone. Somehow I knew they'd call me in today. There was no way they wouldn't. Le sigh.Collapse )

As Disharmonious as a Bad Simile

I had a long, and what I thought to be quite interesting, thingie in mind to write about NeverNever -- specifically what "went wrong" with it, why I started having so much trouble with it, and the parallels between NN and Cardcaptor Sakura. NN and CCS are actually very similar stories, dealing with very similar issues ... and I think my digestion and enjoyment of CCS may eventually lead the way to something of a "proper" rebirth of NeverNever.

However, Starbucks futzed that whole mental thread up, so I'll have to try to work it out again and post it later. So now I'm just going to post what's on my mind at this very moment before heading off to bed.

Night descends like a long, dark period when the sun isn't up...

The evening at Starbucks was pleasant enough, all things considered. I managed to put my displeasure with the situation into my "leave it at home" box and be nice and friendly to the people at work -- because it's certainly not their fault, and they don't deserve to have me take out my frustrations by making their own lives more difficult. Working evenings really isn't so bad, except that if I work the night, that is generally a guarantee that I will have to work an opening shift the next day.

Fortunately, tomorrow I only have to be there at 7:30 a.m. ... but I see it as a sad state of affairs when I consider going in at 7:30 a.m. to be a fairly late morning. Call me spoiled if you wish, and I won't dispute it, but it's still the truth. I once went in to work at 8:00, came home at 5:00, worked four days a week, and made $45,000 a year ... and was still looking to do better. Now, I can't even remember what having that great a situation was like!

Mind you, I was suffering from clinical depression at the time, so even that great situation didn't seem so great. I knew on an intellectual level how good I had it, and I tried to appreciate it when I could, but depression is not a rational process. Now, as grouchy as I seem, is largely because I am genuinely dissatisfied with real, specific things about my life.

The good news, is that real, specific things can be changed. The bad news, is that that fact doesn't actually make changing those things much easier. But at least I am back to the stage where I know they can be changed, even if I don't know how yet. When under the influence of the depression, every little problem seemed like a gigantic personal catastrophe -- and worse, that it was all a punishment of some kind for personal failings of mine. As an evangelical agnostic, the depression certainly put me through some interesting "crises of potential faith," so to speak.

I once heard depression described as, "Anger, turned inward." I also heard it described as "Anger without the energy." They both have elements of truth to them, but the first one seems to strike closer to home, at least in my case. I was angry -- at myself, at circumstances that had led me to make the choices I had up to that point, and the consequences of those actions and the ramifications they had for the future -- but instead of shouting and yelling and banging my fists on the ground, I collapsed in on myself, curled up into a ball, and cried.

(Actually, I seem to remember that at time I shouted and yelled and banged my fists, too ... but only when I was pretty sure that there was nobody around to see. Ramses comes from somewhere.)

I remember a few specific instances in my darkest days where I actually, genuinely wished for something final to happen to me. The one that stands out most clearly is wishing a truck would swerve off the road and hit me as I walked home from work one day. That was a really unpleasant feeling, as you might guess.

So anyway, the point of all this, I guess, is that I've got to remember how things stand and keep them in perspective. Yes, I have a job that I'd really rather not have; yes, I would change some things about my life if I could, going back all the way to my teen years. Yes, I am unhappy about these things.

But I am no longer genuinely depressed about them, and even the worst thing about my life right now is wonderfully, terrifically better than even the best day I had then.

I just forget that, sometimes, in the heat of the moment.

But then I take a deep breath, and remember, and suddenly, it's not so bad. :)

Good night, everyone, and have a wonderful tomorrow.

-The Gneech

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