November 20th, 2003


Things Not To Do During "Return of the King"

Snagged from softpaw...

  1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

  2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

  3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

  4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

  5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

  6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

  7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

  8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

  9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

  10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

  11. In The Two Towers, when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

  12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

  13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

  14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

  15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

  16. Come to the premiere dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter and wander around looking terribly confused.

  17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

  18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

  19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

  20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

  21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

-The Gneech
  • Current Mood
    dorky dorky

Lemony Snicket Writes for Webmonkey?

A passage from the Webmonkey XML Tutorial that caught my eye today...

Anyone who's ever administered even the most modest database knows that we humans need to be protected from ourselves at every turn. If given the opportunity, we'll omit crucial information and include extraneous nonsense. That's why the XML creators, being benevolent and understanding of human frailty, included the Document Type Definition, or DTD. The DTD provides a way to make sure the XML is more or less like you want it.

It may just be because I've been listening to the audiobook presentation of The Bad Beginning, but I can hear Tim Curry reciting that passage perfectly inside my head.

What's next? "People who enjoy happy and useful tutorials -- the word tutorial here means 'series of web pages that teach you how to do something' -- should direct their browser to another page immediately. I wish I could tell you that this XML tutorial ends happily, by giving you all the information you need to create your required ColdFusion report that generates an RTF document via XML. As I say, I wish I could tell you that, but alas, I cannot, for that isn't what happens. This tutorial does not in fact teach you anything useful at all, and by the time you reach the end of it, you'll realize that the time you spent reading it is merely hours and hours of your life that you can never have back."

-The Gneech
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Boromir battle

All Righty Then

Random comment: Laurie's putting ions in my hair.

Now that's out of the way, we saw the rest of the extended version of The Two Towers this evening. The final verdict: almost everything they added was beneficial -- sometimes very beneficial -- unfortunately, the movie is still full of the same things they should have taken out. Specifically, lots of scenes of people standing around looking worried at Helm's Deep, lots of yawn-inducing inserted Aragorn/Arwen/Elrond flashbacks, and Elrond and Galadriel having some sort of "for those who came in late" conversation via Elfepathy.

Kind, wise Elrond reduces his daughter to tears in the same completely-out-of-character manner, and Faramir abuses Gollum and takes the hobbits off to Osgiliath in the same out-of-character-and-way-off-script manner as well. But at least with the Boromir/Faramir/Denethor flashback (Yay, Boromir!), it makes a little more sense. Faramir is less wrong with the "sad for the Easterling" speech and flashback than he was before, but still annoyingly wrong in the other parts.

Denethor, so far, is exactly right, which is to say he's a bastard you just want to smack. :)

The forest takes off for Helm's Deep, in a sequence that's quite cool but abruptly cut short. But at least it's there, this time!

So yes, the extended edition is much better than the theatrical release, which was rather disappointing after the strong showing of Fellowship; thing is, if they'd left large swaths of "stand around talking" footage on the cutting room floor, it would have been a much better movie and short enough to show in theaters.

-The Gneech
  • Current Mood
    okay okay