January 18th, 2006

Mad Red


"The weirdest profession I've ever heard of?" said Brigid. "That's a tough one. It might be my cousin ... she's a throat model."

Greg wrinkled his forehead trying to puzzle that out. "A throat model?"

"Yeah," said Brigid. "You know what hand models are, right? People with attractive hands who gesture on TV commercials or pose for ring pictures, that kind of thing?"

"Uh huh?"

"Well, my cousin does that, except for her neck and shoulders. She's always doing things like diamond necklace commercials. You know that big billboard of the woman in the strapless evening dress over on Ketlington? The jewelry ad with the round shoulders and the prominent collarbone? That's my cousin."

"Well," said Greg, "throat model. Yes, that has possibilities." He wrote something down on his notepad.

"Why do you ask?" said Brigid.

"Well, the hero of my next book needs a girlfriend."

"And you're going to make her a throat model, eh?"

"I just might, at that. Cervix with a smile!"

-The Gneech

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Happy birthday, cyberhorn! Here's your Forgotten English!

Interjection used to express astonishment; Westmoreland.
--Joseph Wright's English Dialect Dictionary, 1896-1905

On this date in 1676, sentence was imposed on the leader of England's Muggletonians, a sect that employed Revelation II:3, "And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and three-score days, clothed in sackcloth," to prepare its followers for the Second Coming. Thomas Blount's Law Dictionary and Glossary (1691) described them as a "blasphemous sect which began about the year 1657 when Lodowic Muggleton, a journeyman tailor, and one [John] Reeve declared themselves the last two witnesses of God that ever should be upon the earth, and that they had absolute power to save and damn whom they pleased; to which end, one called himself 'the blessing,' and the other 'the cursing prophet.' Reeve died unpunish'd, but Muggleton was sentenc'd at the Old Bailey, January [18] 1676, to stand on the pillory, was fined £500." Muggleton once wrote, "There is no other Satan to tempt God or man but the motions and words that proceed from the seed of reason in man and woman."

-The Gneech
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