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December 25th, 2007

Notorious local grouch and general misanthrope Ezekiel Grudge surprised
neighbors this morning by throwing open the windows of his large but
run-down house and shouting at the top of his lungs, "It's Christmas Day!
I haven't missed it! You'll see, old Jason Barley, we will make
a Merry Christmas, we will!"

Jason Barley, Grudge's business partner for some twenty years, died on
Christmas eve in 2000. Associates lauded him as "a good man of business."

Ezekiel Grudge's odd behavior continued when he came running out into the
street in his nightgown and gave a local boy $30 to run and buy "that
enormous goose" from a neighborhood Wegman's, promising to give the boy
an additional $25 upon return. He then bribed the manager of Target with
$200 to let him into the store, which would normally be closed on Christmas
Day, and purchased roughly $700 worth of toys and a 41" plasma television.
All these items, and the enormous goose, Grudge immediately took over to
the house of his administrative assistant, Rob Satchett, and presented
them to the Satchett family with a pledge that Satchett's annual salary
of $18,000 would be raised to $38,000, and that Grudge would begin
providing employer healthcare in order to ensure that Satchett's ailing son,
Tiny Tom, would be able to get medication required for his chronic asthma.

Tiny Tom was quoted as saying, "God bless us, every one."

Witnesses said they had not seen the like since area cartoonist and
celebrated weirdo The Gneech "stole Christmas," back in 1985.

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