So today WotC posts the barbarian: playtest version
from the upcoming Player's Handbook 2
. Doing my best to ignore still more splashy "turned up to 11" illos of dragonborn (*sigh*
) and tieflings (*heavy sigh*
) — because, y'know, humans are boring — I soldier on and start reading the text. "Role: Striker. You use powerful two-handed weapons to deal serious damage to your enemies. Your physical power and daunting presence can cause foes to cower before you, and you can temporarily increase your abilities by harnessing great bursts of terrifying rage. Depending on your choice of class features and powers, you lean toward either defender or leader as a secondary role, blah blah blah, MMO MMO MMO."
Really. So all barbarians use two-handed weapons? Hey Conan! All those times you used a sword and shield, or a sword in one hand and an axe in the other, etc.? You were doing it wrong!
"Power Source: Primal. You are a primal champion, a warrior devoted to the natural world and an embodiment of your tribe's fierce traditions."
O RLY? Hey Conan! You know your desire to get rich and found a kingdom? You were doing it wrong!
"blah blah blah rageblood barbarian blah blah thaneborn barbarian blah blah blah"
More meaningless two-syllable compounds that sound like all the other meaningless two-syllable compounds. Ugh. Besides being annoying, 4E
is just plain ugly.
"Your powers are evocations of primal strength. At lower levels, your powers rely partly on martial skill and personal presence, but even at the start of your career, the primal spirits of the world infuse your body with vigor. At higher levels, the primal spirits flow more freely through you and your weapons,
creating effects that are more obviously supernatural."
So barbarians are druids who can only wield two-handed battleaxes, is that what you're saying? Hey, Conan! You know all that not-sucking? You were doing it wrong!
"But hey!" sayeth the 4E
fan. "Barbarians aren't supposed to be Conan." They were
, when they showed up in Unearthed Arcana
back in 1980-whatever. They should be
, no matter what decade, century, or game edition.
The barbarian was the last thing I was holding out to see what they did with — it would either be the last chance at redemption, or the final nail in the coffin.
Well, call the funeral home. 4E
officially sucks. Until 5E
comes and hopefully brings some relief, "official" Dungeons & Dragons
is now dead to me.