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March 24th, 2013

Snorassic Park

While The Gneech sleeps...

The scene opens in the forests of a sequel, where Paul "Paul of Cthulhu" McLean plays the role of some sort of researcher of indeterminate scholarship, purportedly come to Jurassic Park to study the dinosaurs, but actually there for some sort of dodgy purpose that is never made quite clear. Along with him are his daughter, a nameless supposedly-plucky-but-really-a-damsel-in-distress cipher of a character with dark hair, and Audience Identification Guy, a similarly nameless cipher, also with dark hair. Damsel Daughter and Identification Guy are of course completely unaware of Paul of Cthulhu's dodgy intentions, and are clearly being set up for the "How could you do it?" moment later, presumably shortly before ol' Paul gets his head bit off.

This happy trio have made themselves a headquarters in a leftover prefab metal building which (oddly, given the supposedly-deserted nature of the island) still has electricity, food stores, and even local phone service, even tho for the moment there's nobody else to call. The group have so far been unmolested by dinosaurs, although they've certainly seen some. Dinos, even the dangerous ones, seem to have an "aggro radius," so as long as you don't get too close, you can freely wander around the island. Identification Guy, being Paul of Cthulhu's gopher and Mr. Fixit, does quite a bit of wandering as he's sent on errands all over the place.

On one of these errands, Identification Guy is near the beach when he spots a steamer pull up to the docks. He hides and observes, since they're not expecting anyone else to be on the island. Out from the steamer pour about two dozen idiot jock suburban survivalist types dressed like commandos, right down to the machine guns and the utility harnesses packed to the brim with ammo. Apparently these morons are all on a "Dinosaur Hunt" theme vacation, being led by Sinister Smooth British Guy Ewan McGregor, except that in some scenes he's Kenneth Branagh. Whatever. Same guy. Also marching along with the dino hunters is Brendan Fraser, who looks rather dubious about the whole thing.

The fate of this group is so obvious that the dream refuses to even show it. The idiots will bag a T-Rex, feel very awesome about it, and immediately get devoured by raptors, except for Brendan Fraser (who will have a turn of heart and help rescue Identification Guy and Damsel Daughter) and Kenewan McBranagh, who will get involved with whatever Paul of Cthulhu is doing and the two of them will immediately start trying to murder each other. Taking all this as read, the dream just cuts to the chase, and most of the suburban survivalists never appear again. (And actually, neither does Brendan Fraser, whom apparently gets ruled as superfluous by the dream editor and ends up on the cutting room floor.)

Skip to the prefab building, where Paul of Cthulhu is clearly intimidated by Kenewan McBranagh but immediately starts trying to mess with him anyway by means of baffling and irritating phone calls. The dream then skips again to Kenewan McBranagh and his four or five surviving flunkies having occupied the prefab building following said provocation, as Identification Guy and Damsel Daughter (now Disillusioned Damsel Daughter, after seeing whatever wicked thing it was her father was up to, the dream never does make that clear) decide it's time to escape. They make their way out a ventilation shaft (because even single-floor prefab research buildings have ventilation shafts) and get up to the roof, where they see raptors descending on the building like sharks, having been stirred up by their killin'-and-eatin' of the suburban survivalists.

At this point, I woke up. I pretty much assume that Identification Guy and Disillusioned Damsel Daughter get to the steamer and live happily ever after, possibly also with Brendan Fraser who simply didn't get to make his appearance before I woke up, while Paul of Cthulhu, Kenewan McBranagh, and the rest of the goons got eaten.

Go for it, Mr. Spielberg. You're welcome.

-The Gneech

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