John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey

Go the F**k to Sleep, Gneech

I've talked before about the link between depression and sleep. I can always tell when I haven't had enough sleep because stupid things cause me to moodcrash. Things that should only slightly vex me or better yet not bother me at all, instead become these huge, towering, soul-crushing things.

I also get very squirrely and plagued with all sorts of self-doubt, convinced that my very presence annoys or irritates people whose opinion I really care about, despite their often clear and explicit stating of the contrary. I get lonely, I obsess, I get needy, which in turn makes me get jealous, and then I repress all of that to avoid dumping my problems on other people, which just leads me into a tailspin down a rabbit-hole of self-loathing and unhappiness.

Thing of it is, none of it is real. It's all just the stupid chemicals floating around in my brain, firing off the "suck" receptors and blocking the "awesome" receptors. My rational mind knows this, having learned the hard way from a lifetime of coping with it. But it still feels real while it's happening.

So, yeah ... the best way to treat it? Go the f**k to sleep. That's also in many ways the hardest thing for me to do. I have a finite number of days, and I really hate surrendering them at the end. But if I don't, it'll just be that much worse tomorrow.

So why am posting this? Partially to avoid going to bed. But also as a reminder to other lifetime depressives out there who might be reading this and nodding as they go: it's not you. It's not real. It's bad mojo in your head. You can fix it. Just go the f**k to sleep. The morning will be better.

-The Gneech
Tags: deep thoughts, gneech news
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