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September 27th, 2015

Reincarnation Report

Tried to go through the Brian Weiss exercise yesterday, but hadn't had enough sleep. Couldn't keep from dozing off and eventually gave up on it. Might try again later today.

Going to try to mix in some broader meditation instead of focusing on the past-life stuff so much. The past-life stuff is interesting and useful, but it can also become a distraction from what I'm supposed to be getting done in this one.

Going to meditate on the difficulties I've been having with my art and what to do about it. I feel driven to do it, but then I spend my whole time fighting with it. This can't be right! Hopefully meditation will help me find what's going on in with that and fix it.

-The Gneech

PS: Have an alligator dressed as Woody from Toy Story singing to you about how to meditate.

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NOTE: This stuff probably reads like gibberish to anyone who is not me, and I apologize for that, but I'm making these notes mostly for myself anyway. :)

As I mentioned this morning, I tried a more generalized 20 minute meditation rather than regression therapy. I tried to meditate on the question of why I feel compelled to draw my comic, and then have so much pain and difficulty with it; but my subconscious had other ideas, it seems.

Instead, it was working on the question my counselor posed to me the other day, of "Why would you arrange to live a life with toxic parents?" To which the answer returned, "Your love is blocked." That caused me to reflect on being told by my sister that as a child I used to hug the furniture because I couldn't ever get enough hugs from people, and now as an adult I still feel very isolated and lonely a lot of the time, which is the core element of my recurring depression. Even when I am offered love, I can't seem to feel it.

As for how toxic parents fit in, the thing that strikes me is that with toxic parents, love is the silk glove that hides sharp barbs. My parents never praised something I did without immediately pointing out some shortcoming as well. Left-handed compliments were the only kind they gave, when they gave any at all. If I was proud of having gotten a "B" on a test, my parents' reaction was "You're smart, so why wasn't it an 'A'?"

What does growing up with a never-ending barrage of that crap do? Obviously, besides instilling a permanent inferiority complex and/or imposter syndrome, it makes you flinch at the expression of love, waiting for the followup slap. Eventually you shut yourself away from it completely as a reflex in pure self-defense.

(Warning: Crackpottery ahead!) There is also the possibility that "love" here refers specifically to the fourth chakra. "When your heart chakra is open, you are flowing with love and compassion, you are quick to forgive, and you accept others and yourself. A closed heart chakra can give way to grief, anger, jealousy, fear of betrayal, and hatred toward yourself and others."

Grief? Yup. Jealousy? Yup. Hatred toward self? Yup.

I spent the rest of the meditation session basically trying to "unclench" that part of myself. It's not going to be something that can be done in a single session.

-The Gneech

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