John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey

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A Giant MEH Sitting On My Head

For the past while (hard to pin down exactly... longer than a week, shorter than six months) I have been fighting against the recurring feeling that almost nothing I do provides rewards commensurate with the effort I put into it. As a result, it's becoming harder and harder to make myself do anything, because meh.

Case in point, I almost deleted this post halfway through the previous paragraph. And I still may before it's done.

There are exceptions, moments or achievements that I've been able to point at, smile, and say, "Yes, that was worth it." But they feel like they're relatively few and my brain can't seem to hold on to them.

I'm working on the assumption that this is a symptom of my clinical depression and related issues, manifesting in an exciting new way now that I've learned to manage crisis time. Certainly my screwed-up sleep schedule isn't helping.

But whatever it is, I wish it would bugger off. All the things I like, all the things I enjoy, pretty much require that I pour a lot into them, and I can only do this when I've got a lot to pour.

-The Gneech

PS: Apparently I didn't delete the post. But it took a massive amount of willpower. And this is what I have to show for it? Geeze.
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