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A Giant MEH Sitting On My Head

For the past while (hard to pin down exactly... longer than a week, shorter than six months) I have been fighting against the recurring feeling that almost nothing I do provides rewards commensurate with the effort I put into it. As a result, it's becoming harder and harder to make myself do anything, because meh.

Case in point, I almost deleted this post halfway through the previous paragraph. And I still may before it's done.

There are exceptions, moments or achievements that I've been able to point at, smile, and say, "Yes, that was worth it." But they feel like they're relatively few and my brain can't seem to hold on to them.

I'm working on the assumption that this is a symptom of my clinical depression and related issues, manifesting in an exciting new way now that I've learned to manage crisis time. Certainly my screwed-up sleep schedule isn't helping.

But whatever it is, I wish it would bugger off. All the things I like, all the things I enjoy, pretty much require that I pour a lot into them, and I can only do this when I've got a lot to pour.

-The Gneech

PS: Apparently I didn't delete the post. But it took a massive amount of willpower. And this is what I have to show for it? Geeze.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:06 pm (UTC)
:Hugs: Are you talking art, or just everything? At times I can certainly relate to the art bit...

Edited at 2012-02-21 03:09 pm (UTC)
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:12 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Pretty much everything, including art. That's one of the reasons I suspect it's related to the depression, 'cos it seems to cut across just about everything I do.

Feb. 21st, 2012 04:52 pm (UTC)
Hrm. Wasn't sure if it was mainly the art, was gonna suggest doing something else (ie writing).
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:43 pm (UTC)
YOU feel the rewards aren't commensurate with the effort you put in your art? o_O

Mr. I-knocked-Stan-Sakai-off-his-5-year-pedestal-without-breaking-a-sweat Suzukawa? :)
Feb. 21st, 2012 04:48 pm (UTC)
Let us not forget Sir_Gneech, the Guest of Honour in London, England. I'd still be wearing a grin you couldn't take off with sandpaper if something like that had occurred to me.
Feb. 21st, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
Amen to THAT.
Feb. 22nd, 2012 12:17 am (UTC)
I thought it was Manchester? :)

Pity it didn't happen when I was teaching there, on a 5-week Summer programme!

Edited at 2012-02-22 12:22 am (UTC)
Feb. 21st, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
Disparity in attention to certain pieces of work notwithstanding... there's a lot of times where upon finishing, I feel like the net results reeeeeeally shouldn't have taken that much time/effort.
Feb. 22nd, 2012 12:20 am (UTC)
Ha, you're talking to someone who's TOTALLY MYSTIFIED by other people's prolific talents. It takes a couple of decades for me to churn out a single good piece of work... >.>
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:45 pm (UTC)
I've probably missed reading an earlier post, but when did your clinical depression begin? I had a nasty bout of that for about 6 months, not too long ago.
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:46 pm (UTC)
I first noticed it when I was seven. It's been a while. :)

It was at its worst in 2000-2002, but it still flares up periodically.

Feb. 21st, 2012 03:50 pm (UTC)
Seven, huh? Yes, I'd say it's been a while... :)

A friend (who's suffered from clinical depression himself) told me I couldn't *really* have been depressed if it cleared itself up in six months - and I thought, gee, I didn't realise I wasn't qualified to join your club! :)
Feb. 21st, 2012 03:55 pm (UTC)
I don't subscribe to that point of view, myself. It's true that clinical depression is different from situational depression, but it all sucks. :P

And if your depression was caused by chemical imbalance, it is technically clinical depression regardless of how long it lasts.

Some people do use their depression to feel "special." It's not surprising, given that one of the symptoms tends to be low self-esteem. But it's ultimately not helpful in the long run!

Feb. 21st, 2012 04:55 pm (UTC)
*Nods* Some people do use their depression to feel "special." It's not surprising, given that one of the symptoms tends to be low self-esteem. But it's ultimately not helpful in the long run!
Yeah, it's one of the responses I find less than understandable. "Hey! Lookit my scars! They suck! Neat, huh?"

Um, no. Not neat, and really, really counterproductive. And really, really familiar to anyone who's been through Games People Play or any of the Transactional Analysis literature.

I'm pretty sure that many, possibly most, sufferers of depression are going to think I'm not "allowed" to have any opinion - I have never, to my knowledge, been through clinical depression, and I can only recall one bout of situational - but I have to say that I find it much easier to relate to those who try to do something about their condition, other than to display it. Look, I can sympathize with someone who's going through something unpleasant through no discernible fault or act of their own, but my sympathy declines rapidly when someone starts using that circumstance as a "claim" of sorts. Those who attempt to correct the circumstance, I have admiration for. The ones who attempt to cash in on the "entitlement" they feel it grants them... not so much.

And just to be absolutely clear on this matter, Gneech: neither you, nor anyone else I've encountered here, has done anything to indicate that they're trying to cash in a ticket.
Feb. 21st, 2012 05:14 pm (UTC)
Ah - 'wading through treacle'. I guess over there it would be 'wading through molasses' :)

Keep plodding on. One day you'll be amazed at all you've achieved, and give yourself the great big pat on the back you deserve.
Feb. 22nd, 2012 08:12 am (UTC)
Bronies will pull you through.... ^v^
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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