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It's weird how certain people can be so tightly locked with your associations of a thing, that when they are gone, everything is off. I guess this is what parents mean when they say the house seems empty without the kids.

Besides obvious recent events, what's got me thinking on this is that there are a lot of activities which some or many of the people with whom I once used to enjoy those events, particularly early on, have wandered off or are hard to connect with... and it's surprising how hard it's made it for me to continue enjoying those things.

Case in point: furry cons. I got into furry cons over ten years ago now, which just sorta boggles my mind, but so very many of the people I used to love going to those cons to see have either cut back or just stopped going, that I end up hanging out the the same "gang of four" that I see at every con just because they're the ones I know. Unfortunately, one of those (Vince) will not be at AC, leaving us with a gang of three; and unfortunately for Vince, I will not be at FC, putting him in the same position. Unless I do a bonzai trip (as Kerry calls them) to MFF, I will not see Vince again this year. That distresses me.

Heck, for that matter, just going to cons without Kerry is hard. :(

Another case in point: the Twitterponies. One of the long-term Twitterponies players, in fact the one who more or less made it possible for me to join and in fact with whom I did most of my playing for a long time, has cut back to the point of effectively being gone, and it's been a real punch in the gut to my enjoyment of the RP. It's not that we don't have a ton of other great players, 'cos we do and I love 'em! But there are times when I find myself thinking, without this other particular player, that the RP feels... empty.

A lot of this, I'm sure, is a side-effect of grief. My Aunt Iris, my dad, Waarhorse, now Sandy... I've had a rough year-and-a-half. :( But some of it is also just my introvert nature. While I have a ton of acquaintances that I'm quite fond of, I don't have lots and lots of friends. I have a few very close friends that I am very attached to-- probably more attached to some of them than they are to me, I might as well face-- and so every one of those who is carried away by the currents of life (or worse, is lost forever) is a real wrench for me. And it isn't easy for me to find new people I become that close to.

It's not like I have a real definable "friend-making" process... generally after a bit of time I either "click" with a person, or I don't. Sometimes I encounter someone and I get an uncanny "we've been friends forever, we just hadn't met yet" thing, and that always frightens me because I'm afraid I'm going to come on too strong or do something annoying and put them off. I spend weeks, maybe months second-guessing myself, trying not to alienate this new friend, in the ironic position of feeling all awkward precisely because I feel so at ease. Go fig! XD

Anyway, as I say, this is all just on my mind tonight, as I examine the upcoming months/year and try to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. So many things, I find myself looking at them and saying, "Yeah, but it's just not the same any more..." I have to come to grips with the fact that they aren't the same any more, they are what they are, and that's the way it's always going to be. I have to find ways to be interested in what's happening right now, and take solace in the family and friends that I've got, and stop thinking so much about how things once were, or how I wish they could be.

Which is easy to type. Not necessarily easy to do. But I'm working on it.

-The Gneech

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
jamesbarrett
May. 22nd, 2012 04:23 am (UTC)
I have all kinds of thoughts on this. sadly, not a single one of them wants to be expressively able and let me put them into words. I also have to remember that I'm an extrovert and everyone is my friend. The difference is merely a matter of degree and I'm usually fine with causally sorta a friend so long as we interact. That's the most important thing of all. So I shift through clicks in Lotro and hardly notice it. Chat with people at work and thought he faces are different, the conversations are still the same. It's all good, but only because I am an extrovert.

Perhaps I should return to this once my thoughts stop leaping all over the place. If I return to this. I'm suddenly so confused and I confused myself :P
dhlawrence
May. 22nd, 2012 04:31 am (UTC)
It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? And it doesn't have to be much. I started with webcomics nearly ten years ago; of all the comics I've read in that time, maybe just over half a dozen are still running, and some are on reduced schedules. Forum communities break up and the names in them disappear into the ether, archives vanish as web hosts shut down--and that on top of everything that happens in real life. It's like someone stole your security blanket.
the_gneech
May. 23rd, 2012 03:01 pm (UTC)
Yeah, and just as you find something good, it's gone! Frustrating. :P

-TG
torakiyoshi
May. 22nd, 2012 05:09 am (UTC)
*Hugs* Hopefully, I will be able to attend cons again next year. New finances are on the way...
exatron
May. 22nd, 2012 08:14 am (UTC)
I totally understand. My mind works the same way.
ziabandito555
May. 22nd, 2012 03:19 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean about making friends. I don't tend to make them easily either and they tend to be aquaintences as well for me. I just don't people into the friend category without a certain clicking. I used to think there was something wrong with me but now I know it is just who I am.

Anyway I suspect the genisis of your introspection has been the rough year and a half and the losses during it *hugs* and I'm sorry you're going through all this loss. At least now you have the chance to use this introspection to make changes and improve places. Maybe figure out how to have fun at these conventions or meet some other people or if not that what you can do instead of those conventions or places... Perhaps I am rambling. Either way *hugs*
kylet
May. 22nd, 2012 11:26 pm (UTC)
:Hugs: :-(

A few people have noted 10-year anniversaries on LJ. I very much know I got on here cuz of you.
So I've also taken stock of my online presence and acquaintances. I've probably relied more on online interaction and friends than you have, and it's a little sad that things were pretty tight-knit amongst webcomickers and other PG-rated furry artists, but now things are fragmenting and/or moving to Twitter and Facebook. The internet used to seem like an endless source of companionship, but I realized I no longer have any idea how to meet people. And seeing some folks drift off is pretty sad.

:Sigh: It isn't the same anymore, totally.
the_gneech
May. 23rd, 2012 03:03 pm (UTC)
Well I never see your posts 'cause they're over on FA, and I can't stand their journal interface. ^.^' LJ is still the best one IMO and I'll probably be here as long as the site is here to be on.

But yeah... community go "poof." I don't even know where to look for people!

-TG
kylet
May. 23rd, 2012 11:40 pm (UTC)
I create threads on FA's journals about as often as I do on LJ (especially since there is no turn-off comment feature), so you ain't missing anything!

Yeah...feel like I've come back full circle in ten years...
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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