John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey

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Tired of Grief

I occurred to me today, whilst ruminating on other things, that I have been more or less in a constant state of grief for several years now. It has waxed and waned depending on how long it's been since somebody close to me has died, but it's never really gone away because just as I start to recover from one loss, another comes right behind it. I have friends now who've never known me from a time before I was grieving for somebody close to me. That's just messed up.

Frankly, I'm tired. I guess you'd call it "grief fatigue?" I'm sorta like, "Did I spend all those years and all that effort mastering my depression, just to end up saddled with a state of perma-grief? Not cool!"

Grief, of course, is a process, so it's not like I can just switch it on or off. But I've also reached the point where I don't want to go through the Five Stage Dance again. Not sure what (if anything) I can do to fast-forward the process, but I'm sure as heck gonna try. I'm sick of it.

-The Gneech
Tags: deep thoughts, depression

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