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“Jeeves is a secret agent, starring Colin Firth.” I should love that, right? I mean, I have one or two other buttons you could push, but this should be a slam-dunk “instant favorite” for me.


I loathe this terrible, awful, no-good movie. Besides not actually being very good at what I would have considered its selling points, it is also deceptively marketed and prurient in its intent and tone. All of the “charm” is not charming. All of the “humor” is not funny. And instead of being escapist superspy fare, it’s just idiotic, hateful, sophomoric violence-porn with no aesthetic or story value.

In short, it sucks.

NOTE: There will be spoilers ahead, if it is indeed possible to “spoil” a movie that is already rotten. But you’ve been warned, in any case.

So we start things with a clear “George Lazenby couldn’t make it” James Bond stand-in being sheared in half by Gimmick Henchman, with one half flopping to the left and one half flopping to the right, Wile E. Coyote style. It’s dumb, but they’re trying to establish an OTT aesthetic, I get it. Amazing how there’s not even a drop of blood in this room full of rubber body parts, but yeah, okay, I get it. CGI dismemberment is fine as long as it’s not bloody, sayeth the ratings board. That enough would have knocked the movie off my faves list, but it isn’t the real problem.

So then we move into the main meat of the story, where Forgettable Protagonist Boy gets inducted into the Kingsmen, hitting all the same beats MiB did better, while Colin Firth investigates the mystery of Samuel Jackson as Lisping Steve Jobs Wants to Destroy the World. It’s serviceable if a bit dull, but leads to where the real problem is.

Samuel Jackson as Lisping Steve Jobs has stolen the macguffin from Secret Agent Super Dragon: he has a hate plague app implanted in cellphones all over the world, which makes people go berserk and kill everyone within plot device radius. He decides to run a test of this at the !Westboro Baptist Church; Colin Firth attends to investigate, gets hit by the mind control ray, and then spends the next ten minutes slaughtering everyone in the church, because he’s a badass superspy in a bulletproof suit and they’re all just degenerate hicks.

And then I walked out.

I’m told it gets worse from there. I don’t even want to imagine. But let’s dissect this moment of cinematic poo-throwing, shall we?

First and foremost, it’s clear that the movie thinks that filling the church full of annoying bigots makes it totally okay to spend ten minutes showing them all slaughtered one by one, in close up from almost Colin-Firth-cam view. It’s all super-quick cuts and choreography, and again without a drop of blood. You’re not supposed to be thinking about the horrors being inflicted on these people, you’re supposed to be impressed by what a badass Colin Firth is. (Luckily for us, we were reminded by a PSA at the beginning of the film that if a kid puts on harris tweeds and shoots up a school after seeing this, it’s totally not the movie’s fault.)

Well guess what, movie? It’s not okay. Do you maybe not understand what makes bigotry bad? The reason these hate group people are awful is because they would think it was funny to have a single person walk into a room full of [group they don’t like] and wipe them all out in gruesome ways. Ha, ha, darn those wacky bigots! …Wait.

Presumably the movie will then follow up with Colin Firth being all horrified at what he’s done and whinge about not having any choice, etc., etc. (I don’t know, because as I say, I walked out); and while that may theoretically be an out for the character, the filmmakers had a choice. You were the ones who chose to revel in this crap; you were the ones who said, “Hey, who wouldn’t want to vicariously slaughter a church full of crackers?”

I was shaking with rage when I walked out of the theater. Not just at what the movie had done, but that none of the previews or reviews had objected to this, or even fucking mentioned it. I went in expecting classic superspy escapist fare; instead I got loathsome violence porn. If I’d wanted to watch a goddamn Tarantino movie I would have had my head examined watched a goddamn Tarantino movie. One of my standing policies is to never willingly watch movies in which “murdering people and laughing about it is totally okay, as long as they’re the wrong sort of people” is a core value.

To hell with you, movie, and to hell with your poisonous mindset. You are absolute garbage, and you’ve brought shame to everyone involved in the production.

-The Gneech


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 17th, 2015 03:45 pm (UTC)

It's kinda worse than Tarantino, actually, because Tarantino films are basically about bad people doing bad things. No one's trying to contend that these are good guys or that it'll all be okay. :/
Feb. 17th, 2015 04:42 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't actually know, 'cos I don't go see Tarantino films. ^.^' All I know about them is "hyper violent," and that's enough of a dealbreaker for me.

Feb. 17th, 2015 03:54 pm (UTC)
I hope you demanded your money back.
Feb. 17th, 2015 04:41 pm (UTC)
I didn't "demand" so much as "ask politely." The theater manager was very good about it. :)

(Deleted comment)
Feb. 17th, 2015 06:05 pm (UTC)
Part of what has upset me so much is that the violence is so trivialized by all the reviews and such; it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone... and that in itself bothers me. All of the reviews (including the one from @TheMarySue, which is normally a source I trust) were like "Eh, it's kinda violent, but not that bad." When did this kind of thing become "Not that bad?"

If the movie had been presented as "Here's a movie that takes glee in horrific violence, have fun!" I would have simply said "Ugh, no thanks," and known to steer clear. I didn't go to see splatter flicks when they were new, and I don't go to see such things now. But they were never considered normal or mainstream sorts of movies before, and I don't want them to become so. Desensitization is a real and dangerous thing, and given the way people are being murdered right and left in this screwed-up mess of a country, I think it's important that we push back.

-The Gneech
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 18th, 2015 12:58 pm (UTC)
It's been so long since an "R" rating meant anything, I didn't even notice it. I do see that Bond movies tend to be PG/PG-13 by comparison.

Feb. 18th, 2015 12:41 am (UTC)
What's really messed up is that my kid (23) and some of his co-workers were gonna see 50 Shades for shiggles, but the theater was checking IDs and they had a 16 year old girl with them who wouldn't be able to get in. So they all went and saw Kingsmen with NO PROBLEM. So sex... hell no, minors... but violence... go right ahead.
Feb. 18th, 2015 12:58 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's a whole other rant. Probably four or five other rants. ;)

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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