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What's Up With You, Gneech???

It’s no secret that I have been dealing with dysthymia since childhood; the same way some people have a bad back or a trick knee, I have recurring low-grade depression. It’s further no secret that I have had a bad few years. I lost both parents, a favorite aunt, and literally half of my circle of closest friends, all since late 2010. Put shifting to self-employment, an extremely difficult short-sale of our house, and recurring worries about Laurie’s job situation on top of all of that, and I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that I’m still riding a psychological roller coaster.

Nevertheless, it continues to surprise me. My emotional center is completely broken and seems to be governed at the moment by a random number generator. I get ridiculously angry at nothing; when I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs at the phone to quit ringing all the goddamn time and physically restraining myself from throwing it across the room, I know I’ve entered the land of disproportionate response. But I also can’t seem to figure out anything to do about it.

My mood right now seems to have three basic settings, depending on my energy level. If my energy level is high, my mood is either edge-of-rage angry (bad day), or crazy manic productive (good day). If my energy level is low, my mood is lonesome, self-loathing, edge-of-tears despair (every day starting around 3:30 p.m.). There doesn’t seem to be “good day” version of low energy.

I am in counseling, and we have addressed this somewhat, but frankly I am such a basket case it’s taking a long time to get around to it. But if you have observed my behavior being erratic, this is why. Thanks for being patient. I am trying to broaden my emotional repertoire: I’d like to think “quietly productive and content” is an option and I just need to find the right buttons to push to get there.

-The Gneech



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 14th, 2015 06:40 pm (UTC)
If it helps...from an outside online viewpoint, I haven't noticed anything that seemed unreasonable under the, as you noted, circumstances.

May. 14th, 2015 11:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks. ^.^ It does have to be pretty bad before things would show somewhere like LJ of course. This post was really aimed more at people who interact with me on closer to a daily basis.

May. 15th, 2015 03:05 am (UTC)
I don't interact with you in person, but dang that psychological roller coaster sounds familiar!

I'm totally playing internet psychiatrist here, but I'd recommend looking up (and talking to your counselor about) cyclothymia. I was diagnosed with it earlier this year -- it's basically the manic-depressive/bipolar form of dysthymia. Basically treating one half without treating the other can make things worse, according to my own psychiatrist, and it's best to try to level out the swings instead of just treating one side of it.

As for treatment, I saw a psychiatrist so I got drugs for it, but I've found my new job actually helps a lot (I'm not currently taking the drugs). I still cycle, but my refresh rate is much easier to control, if that makes sense! So far my emotional downs have been cured by naps.

Edited at 2015-05-15 03:05 am (UTC)
May. 16th, 2015 03:42 pm (UTC)
I don't think my highs are high or frequent enough to be considered manic; they just "feel" manic in comparison to my usual state of funk. But I'll talk to my counselor about it either way and see what she says, thanks for the heads-up. :)

May. 15th, 2015 07:25 am (UTC)
foam phone for flinging. or those foam fake rocks. Therapeutic.


May. 16th, 2015 03:43 pm (UTC)
Well that's the worst of it, is flinging the phone makes me feel worse instead of better. "Great, I'm neurotically depressed -and- the phone is broken..."

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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