John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey
the_gneech

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Meditation Journal– "Your Love Is Blocked"

NOTE: This stuff probably reads like gibberish to anyone who is not me, and I apologize for that, but I'm making these notes mostly for myself anyway. :)

As I mentioned this morning, I tried a more generalized 20 minute meditation rather than regression therapy. I tried to meditate on the question of why I feel compelled to draw my comic, and then have so much pain and difficulty with it; but my subconscious had other ideas, it seems.

Instead, it was working on the question my counselor posed to me the other day, of "Why would you arrange to live a life with toxic parents?" To which the answer returned, "Your love is blocked." That caused me to reflect on being told by my sister that as a child I used to hug the furniture because I couldn't ever get enough hugs from people, and now as an adult I still feel very isolated and lonely a lot of the time, which is the core element of my recurring depression. Even when I am offered love, I can't seem to feel it.

As for how toxic parents fit in, the thing that strikes me is that with toxic parents, love is the silk glove that hides sharp barbs. My parents never praised something I did without immediately pointing out some shortcoming as well. Left-handed compliments were the only kind they gave, when they gave any at all. If I was proud of having gotten a "B" on a test, my parents' reaction was "You're smart, so why wasn't it an 'A'?"

What does growing up with a never-ending barrage of that crap do? Obviously, besides instilling a permanent inferiority complex and/or imposter syndrome, it makes you flinch at the expression of love, waiting for the followup slap. Eventually you shut yourself away from it completely as a reflex in pure self-defense.

(Warning: Crackpottery ahead!) There is also the possibility that "love" here refers specifically to the fourth chakra. "When your heart chakra is open, you are flowing with love and compassion, you are quick to forgive, and you accept others and yourself. A closed heart chakra can give way to grief, anger, jealousy, fear of betrayal, and hatred toward yourself and others."

Grief? Yup. Jealousy? Yup. Hatred toward self? Yup.

I spent the rest of the meditation session basically trying to "unclench" that part of myself. It's not going to be something that can be done in a single session.

-The Gneech
Tags: crackpottery, deep thoughts, depression, family, meditation
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