John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey
the_gneech

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And Now a Word From General Blither

Is this thing on? Hello, is this thing on?

*ahem*

Ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time in the life of every fae creature, when he must stand up and look a problem square in the teeth, and that is what I am here to do today.

That problem is, cocoa.

Yes, cocoa!

I know it may seem strange that I, the leader of Her Majesty's Royal Armed Forces, have brought you all together to discuss cocoa, but that is the kind of bold, unconventional commander that I am! Take the bull by the horns and run to the end of the field with it, that's my motto!

Now we all know how important cocoa is to the war effort. Why what else could we use to wash down all those yummy, delicious cupcakes?

Mmm ... cupcakes... *drool*

*ahem!* Sorry.

Anyway, for the past several months, we have been commandeering our cocoa supply from a mortal office, in the kitchen cabinet under the coffee machine. Very sound fiscal policy, that -- never pay yourself for what you can steal from the enemy and whatnot. However, we face a grave crisis!

That office has begun to cruelly, and with malice aforethought, stock their cabinet with Carnation cocoa, instead of our beloved Swiss Miss!

Yes, I hate to be the bearer of such shocking news, but we must face the truth. I'm sure they claim it is to cut costs, but who can't see their real plan here?

LT. BRISTLE: I can't, sir.

Be quiet! It was a rhetorical question!

LT. BRISTLE: Oops. Sorry, sir!

Very well, sit down and let me continue.

LT. BRISTLE: I didn't mean to interrupt you, sir. I'll sit down now, sir.

Yes, yes. Sit down!

LT. BRISTLE: Sitting down, sir.

Are you quite finished?

LT. BRISTLE: Finished sitting, sir.

All right. Now then, where was I?

LT. BRISTLE: You asked who couldn't see the humans' real plan, sir, and I said that I couldn't, and you said...

SHUT UP, BRISTLE!

(silence)

Very well, then. Now, where was I? Oh yes!

I'm sure they claim it is to cut costs, but who can't see their real plan here? They know very well that Carnation is a weaker, less flavorful, and less sweet cocoa than Swiss Miss. They know it mixes up watery and pale, not the dark, rich, creamy goodness that we all associate with our beloved cocoa. And they're counting on that!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this move is a deliberate attempt to starve Arcadia of its cocoa supply!

Are we going to stand for this? Do they think that we're going to give up our free ride that easily? I say, nay! I say, we have the Red Hawk Brigade and the Feline Cavalry ride into that office and give them what-for!

LT. BRISTLE: But sir, the Red Hawk Brigade is now the Pecking Pigeons, and the Feline Cavalry are now the Motley Menagerie, because of the gnomes.

BRISTLE!

(silence)

Ah, I can see it now! Glory! Valor! A tremendous victory for Arcadia! Are you with me, men?

(silence)

I said, are you with me, men???

(silence)

Yes, with your support, we can end this crisis! For Isegrayne, and Arcadia! Yeaaaah!

(a single cough in the background)

LT. BRISTLE: Sir, wouldn't it just be easier to find an office that's still using Swiss Miss?

Bristle! That's the most craven thing I've ever heard! Just tuck our wings back and flee?

LT. BRISTLE: It was just a thought, sir.

Well it was a stupid thought! But I have a new, cunning plan, much better than yours!

LT. BRISTLE: Does it involve getting our Swiss Miss elsewhere?

Yes, of course! By finding another office that's still using Swiss Miss, we get our cocoa supply, and that other office will waste all their resources on Carnation cocoa that will just sit in the cabinet and never be drunk again! It's sheer brilliance! No wonder I'm in command!

LT. BRISTLE: No wonder, sir!

-The Gneech, drinking Carnation cocoa ... uck!
Tags: nevernever, rant, work
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