John "The Gneech" Robey (the_gneech) wrote,
John "The Gneech" Robey

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Nah, That Won't Do, Lieutenant!

Last night, for no readily apparent reason, I dreamt a Nero Wolfe episode. I have no memory whatsoever of the plot, but I do remember that Archie and Nero were in some jurisdiction other than their usual haunt, because Archie was heckling some cop other than Inspector Cramer. They were in some town that had a Pacific-Northwesty sort of "logging town" look, and Archie had found a murdered woman in the wee hours of the morning -- but was just reporting it to the cop at something like 10:00 the next day. The bit of dialogue I can remember went:

POLICE DETECTIVE: So you're saying you just left her there?

ARCHIE: What was I supposed to do? She's dead! Besides, nobody was going to bug her there.

POLICE DETECTIVE: You were supposed to call the police!

ARCHIE: I needed some sleep. So did you.

POLICE DETECTIVE: That's withholding information, Goodwin. We could bust you for that right now!

ARCHIE: Nah, that won't do, Lieutenant. It was three in the morning! What good would it have done to wake you up in the middle of the night with another dead body? I know you, you get cranky. Your eyes get those little red splotches in them and you start making pointless threats. Much better for everybody to get some rest, take it up in the morning when we're all fresh, and be able to look at the thing with a clear head. And besides, you know me, and you know how fast I can shut up if I don't feel like talking. And you know how Nero Wolfe hates to have his errand boy in jail -- somebody's gotta turn the pages of his book for him. So, you want our help, you gotta put up with the fact that occasionally you'll have to wait six hours before we tell you about a murder victim.

POLICE DETECTIVE: One of these days I'm gonna nail you, Goodwin.

ARCHIE: Wow, if this is what I get for cooperating with the police, I'd hate to see what it was like if I was recalcitrant!

-The Gneech
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